i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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