your parents love me but you hate me
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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