You made me cry and you don't even care
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How does it feel to date your dad?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
