I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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