she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
don't judge my taste in strippers
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
