I can't watch pbs sober anymore
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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