i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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