Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
