No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
