I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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