That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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