When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
