OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
