Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
