Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
