i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize