I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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