if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
