I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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