I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
