Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
