all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
