My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
