in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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