I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
