there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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