A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Bring me that man meat
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
