Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
