just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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