TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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