Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
