Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we're making bets on your personal life
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
