why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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