i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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