Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
