that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
