i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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