Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
