Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
