I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
