My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
