I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
