Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
