i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
