can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
