I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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