It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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