So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
