I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
