she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
