a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
