Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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