Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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