Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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