Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
