I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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